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Choosing a (house) phone has never been so hard.

July 3, 2014

I grew up in the 90’s, which means that I learned to talk on a phone. Like, the real kind. You know, the kind that plugs into the wall. This is back when you knew all your friends telephone numbers by heart and bag phones were considered to be the newest, coolest technology. Now, landlines are a thing of the past and are often reserved for businesses. And my apartment.

The last time I actually had a landline was for a year in college when I lived in a sketchy area of town and cell phone service was unreliable at best. Fast forward a decade or so, and the safety factor of my current neighborhood (not to mention the apartment in general) is vastly better than the poor college student days. I live in a historic building that was beautifully remodeled to make modern apartments. There’s even an intercom down to the main entrance where you can buzz people in (I’m in a small town. Things like that are cool, okay?) But here’s the catch. When someone calls up through the intercom, it directly connects to your telephone line…which is only accessible through one particular jack in the wall. I’ve always had these sorts of things linked up to my cellphone, so you could imagine my (very millennial) looking face when the apartment coordinator told me this.

“So, I have to get a real phone?” was my half shocked reply. I am very picky about everything I buy (ie: I won’t buy something unless I absolutely love it) so going out and just picking up a phone wasn’t an option. If I’m spending money on something, I’m going to think it’s the bee knees. Not buying a phone is also not an option. I get too many packages. Blame it on my online shopping habits or the fact that I run a small business out of the home, but it is what it is. After missing the UPS man 3 times and having to drive 30 minutes across town to pick up a package, I decided it was time to start shopping.

If I was going to have a phone on display in my kitchen it was going to be a conversation piece. None of that boring business. I decided that it had to be fabulously antique or highly entertaining.

Starting with the first: fabulously antique- I hit up the antique store across the street.

The phones I found could be classified two different ways:

1) Old, but not cool.

20140703_100937[1]20140703_100932[1]

I could have taken a lot of pictures of this category. It essetially looked like someone bought a cheap phone from walmart, used it for 10 years and then tried to sell it. The ‘LA phone’ shown above was probably the most interesting. (Who decided to call it the L.A. phone anyhow?)

2) A little too old (I told you I was picky, right?)

20140703_103637[1]20140703_103028[1]

The phone on the left has a legit crank on it. The one of the right is slightly newer (but is still an old school rotary phone, which is cool). Both weigh about as much as a small vehicle. As cool as a rotary phone would be…I discovered today that most are not ready to plug in the wall. Like, someone has actually take the cords out. And I don’t mean- just pulled the jack out- I mean these things have to be wired into the wall…red and black receptors and all. Call me lazy (I prefer busy), but I do not have time for that.

So…fabulously antique was scratched out. I was hoping to see something in my ‘highly entertaining’ category,  but the antique store I was in was a little too ‘nice’ for weird novelty stuff (like the Nickelodeon phone I had as a kid). And that’s when I turned to my old friend, the internet. I went straight over to Ebay and searched for the one novelty item I would ever want in my house: a Garfield phone.

Yes, that may be a little weird. But, I’m a little weird. And I have a slight obsession with Garfield the Cat circa 1980whenever. If I collected anything besides shoes, I would collect Garfield shit. Luckily, other people do the same thing too. When you search for Garfield Phone in Ebay you will see 160 results. The look like this:

and this:

and even this:

Garfield Cat Fold-Up Headphones For IPod Android Phone Audio Jack Free Shipping

They are headphones that plug into your iphone…in case you’re wondering.

I think I may have to get one (or all).

Here are some other very entertaining phones I found on Ebay:

VTG 1980's Clear Acrylic Transparent Lucite Trimline Telephone Radio Shack

The clear phone. I totes had one of these.

TALK BLASTER nickelodeon LIGHT-UP NOVELTY TELEPHONE N2500

The famous aforementioned Nickelodeon phone.

Novelty Sexy Tongue Stretching  Lips Mouth Home Phone Corded Telephone

Who wouldn’t want this???

Novelty Juno Hamburger Cheeseburger Burger Home Desktop Corded Phone Telephone

Or this?

There’s tons out there. This may be a tough decision. I guess I am just going to be doomed to waiting outside the building after the first missed package notice (but for reals, this is what I did today) until I can make a decision.

Ciao!

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